I am a Latter Day Saint

I'm a Mormon.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Love?

I am a son, I have a father, I am a father, I have a Daughter. I know how much I adore my sweet princess, yet try as I might I struggle to understand or truly feel the love that my own parents surely feel towards me! It is possibly my own fault for driving them and others away from my confidences, hopes and dreams. I seem to struggle letting others share these important parts of me. I want very much to be known and understood for who I am and will someday be, yet still I lack the closeness I seek. It could be that after a marriage and supposed temple sealing are destroyed by the agency of another, that trust is harder to give or to come by. But is that really what it is? Or do I seek to be single and separate myself because I want it all, the penultimate woman, who both amazes and inspires me? I am a good man who cares and gives to others regardless of the return yet everything I do is self serving I gain from every exchange. I love to serve, I love to understand Ideas I don't really get excited about much else is that too one dimensional? does that make me less interesting? I do not know the answer to others perceptions of me, all i do know is that I love you being you as only you know how! I must be my own worst enemy when it comes to dating because I have no problem flirting or being direct. I only struggle to commit myself to courting anyone, dating is fun and I enjoy every encounter. I lack the ability to close the gap and move forward. A funny conundrum I should say. I cant move on with out Matty and Matty can't move on without Her, whomever she may turn out to be!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Really?

Matt and I were married for five years. We met during his mission
which was both difficult and trying. Matt is a very diligent person who is
completely dedicated and committed to the Gospel and any other path or
person that he might choose. He needs an abundance of affection and can be
quite high maintenance. He is,however, very receptive, sensitive and caring.
Matt appears very settled and happy in America. This is one of the reasons
we are now divorced, as I found it very isolating and could not slot into
the American culture easily. Matt tried very hard to make things work in
England and perhaps would still be here if I hadn't become tired of seeing
him unhappy and even somewhat depressed. There were many pressures on our
relationship,including an age gap of eight years, a culture difference and
the pressure of having a newborn child who was decidedly demanding herself!

Matt likes to have lots of fun! He is a helpless romantic and will wow
any woman he feels is worthy of his affections. But his standards are high!
Once he sets his heart on someone he is faithful to the end. Matt and I are
still very good friends and I wish him all the very best that life can
bring

Sunday, October 26, 2008

First meetings

I am always surprised at how conflicted the emotions of the women I date are when first we meet. I am completely honest and hold nothing back, tho I never let on as to how I feel about them. I am philosophical, humorous and serving them with no agenda but to be known and to get to know them (with the obvious intention to find common attraction and understanding as to a future in marriage etc.) I can give many compliments when I am sure of how I feel towards them wether as a friend or as more but they seem to struggle with complete honesty. Not everyone who likes me is liked by me and vice versa so one would think honesty as the only way to build into a relationship or let the other person move on and find what will work for them. Besides which the 5 stages are 1 meeting 2 dating 3 courting 4 engagement 5 marriage so chill out have fun and we will see where this can go!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Truth

Truth is!
I know!
Consistant and no respecter of persons!
All are subject to change, change is Eternal!
Change is a perspective!
Fullfilment means all things become new!
Be and you will be!
Let go and you are free!
Lose yourself and be found!
Give and you will recieve an hundred fold, yea more!
Words have meaning!
There is power in the word!
Faith is knowing the truth before the means!
Love is everything, everything is love!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Danger

There is a danger in being Matt
Place Mat
Floor Mat
Matte White
Door Mat

But I am Matty
Am I your Matty?
So Whosyomatty?
What does it mean to Have Matty?
And what does it mean to be Matty?


Jesus First
Others Next
Yourself Last

It is to be Loyal
To Give Service
To be Honest
Full of Integrity
Consistent Yet Full of Surprises
It is Me Being Me

Loving You Being You!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Truly

I have been contemplating many things this past few months, not the lest of which my personal worth!

It seems as though one all too often places this value judgement into the hands of others who really have no true basis for the evaluation. If one were to compare two works of pottery that I had thrown on a wheel, that I had created form a raw lump of clay, no matter how hard I may try to make them look and feel the exact same, they would be completely different and unique. The value and worth of the individual, the intrinsic uniqueness of every single living creature upon the earth are just as clear when speaking with twins.


We have no way of becoming someone else, we must find a psychological perspective which allows us to be ok with both the similarities and the differences with which we all are naturally subject. The greatest test of this life is to be our best selves, there are many and varied opinions on just what that would be. I want to be me and I want to please the society around me but I do not wish to please either one at the expense of the other. Here is where Shakespeare was genius, "to thine own self be true" this does not mean selfish or myopic, rather it is to say be a person of integrity. Self betrayal and the betrayal of others is the root of all unhappiness. By choosing consistent behavior, combined with true and correct principals for living, we achieve a Utopian state.

"Bearing the burden of the unique" as my friend Mitch puts it. Not worrying about the fact that we are not assembly line cookie cutter cutouts, exactly the same as everyone else. Being human is having faults, it is a struggle and it is going through pain. Life is also beautiful, vibrant and incredible. The paradigm with which we choose to live, will determine both our attitude and our experience. No one is born perfect with a knowledge and understanding of all things. We must all learn bit by bit, building our understanding one principal and one experience at a time.
What source can we trust? What rubric do we approach the future with? With what do we measure ourselves against? and Why?

Monday, October 6, 2008

Loves Worth

A picture of perfection we dream in the night
reveling in the hope of all things aright
unprepared for such great loss such pain
deeply cutting asunder then bleeding me to stain

A beauty so rare and so innocent
one cannot of love so represent
without the intrinsic beat of the heart
that tells you truly, love is an art

I will not give into this sorrow of loneliness
or be stuck in this moment without redress
I will be true to my inmost secret desires
negative thoughts or depressions mires are
burning to ashes as on funeral priers


I am unique without and within
I am a man who will never give in
Change is inherent change is the key
I imagine perfection as you sealed to me

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Pleading


Though the days of my life turn dark as deep night
when I'm feeling alone and desperate for light
with no hope of a saviour, of a friend or a sign
Jesus my brother please tell me I'm thine
say; "Be not afraid of the unknown ahead
hold fast to my love and my peace in its stead
for I bought you with blood, under anguish and pain
I give you my love which will ever remain
now let go of your sins of your anger and pride
and come to me clean as the virginal bride
to dwell here in heaven forever with me
your sins I've forgiven for you came unto me."
Tho the days of our lives turn dark as deep night
tho I'm feeling alone and desperate for light
no hope of a saviour, of friend or a sign

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Great Plan

This Christmas much like every Christmas past seems somewhat benign. We Know that Christ was born at Easter time and just maybe the wise men arrived in Bethlehem around the winter solstice, but that is besides the point. Why is it that at the end of the year in our western society, we do the be nice, give gifts and well wishing thing but only for a short period of time.

This seems to me to be disingenuous, for each day we are faced with choices and some truly are trivial and some are Life altering, whether in our life or in the life of another. God created us in his image and in our present state with free use of Initiative and Agency for it is when we combine our Initiative with our Desires whether they be in complete selfishness or they be otherwise motivated we gain in Eternal ways or lose our ability (talents) along the way. "All truth is independent in that sphere in which God has placed it, to act for ITSELF, as all Intelligence also; otherwise there is NO existence." Each step is one with which we take though Satan would love to tie us up like puppets and pull our strings, we through our Agency/Initiative are responsible for all acts with which we engage. "I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon."

These initiative based choices began long ago in the 'Void', and as we were organized by our Heavenly Parents we were taught, we grew, we learned, we progressed and each of us did so at our own pace. "If there be two spirits, and one shall be more intelligent than the other, yet these two spirits, notwithstanding one is more intelligent than the other, have no beginning; they existed before, they shall have no end, they shall exist after, for they are eternal. These two facts do exist, that there are two spirits, one being more intelligent than the other; there shall be another more intelligent than they; I am the Lord thy God, I am more intelligent than they all.” The Lord knowing the end from the beginning set onto motion Eternal progress, the only means whereby we can attain unto this same perfection and Celestial Living with which all Gods are defined. "We will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them; And they who keep their first estate…" think on this and do not be confused as to how Lucifer became Satan by not keeping his first estate, we all had choices we alone could make and with our Initiative/agency we in the presence of God our Father were presented a Plan "-and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate;" Now here is where Satan and 1/3 of the hosts of heaven made their choice as a result of which they were removed from the Presence of God our Father.

"And they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever. And the Lord said: Whom shall I send? And one answered like unto the Son of Man: Here am I, send me. And another answered and said: Here am I, send me. And the Lord said: I will send the first. And the second was angry, and kept not his first estate; and, at that day, many followed after him." " I give unto you these sayings that you may understand and know how to worship, and know what you worship, that you may come unto the Father in my name, and in due time receive of his fullness." "Yea, he is the very Eternal Father of heaven and of earth, and all things which in them are; he is the beginning and the end, the first and the last; And he shall come into the world to redeem his people; and he shall take upon him the transgressions of those who believe on his name; and these are they that shall have eternal life, and salvation cometh to none else. Therefore the wicked remain as though there had been no redemption made, except it be the loosing of the bands of death; for behold, the day cometh that all shall rise from the dead and stand before God, and be judged according to their works. Now, there is a death which is called a temporal death; and the death of Christ shall loose the bands of this temporal death, that all shall be raised from this temporal death. The spirit and the body shall be reunited again in its perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame, even as we now are at this time; and we shall be brought to stand before God, knowing even as we know now, and have a bright recollection of all our guilt Now, this restoration shall come to all, both old and young, both bond and free, both male and female, both the wicked and the righteous; and even there shall not so much as a hair of their heads be lost; but every thing shall be restored to its perfect frame, as it is now, or in the body, and shall be brought and be arraigned before the bar of Christ the Son, and God the Father, and the Holy Spirit, which is one Eternal God, to be judged according to their works, whether they be good or whether they be evil. Now, behold, I have spoken unto you concerning the death of the mortal body, and also concerning the resurrection of the mortal body. I say unto you that this mortal body is raised to an immortal body, that is from death, even from the first death unto life, that they can die no more; their spirits uniting with their bodies, never to be divided; thus the whole becoming spiritual and immortal, that they can no more see corruption." we have read how we must all die in order that we might take again a body of perfection for a resurrection of the body being the only way to truly have Joy. "For man is spirit. The elements are eternal, and spirit and element, inseparably connected, receive a fullness of joy; And when separated, man cannot receive a fullness of joy."

What a perfect Plan all has been prepared and set into motion, Christ has accomplished all he set out to do and we are saved from death. "Wherefore, thou art blessed even as they unto whom he shall minister in the flesh; for the Spirit is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. And the way is prepared from the fall of man, and salvation is free. And men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil. And the law is given unto men. And by the law no flesh is justified; or, by the law men are cut off. Yea, by the temporal law they were cut off; and also, by the spiritual law they perish from that which is good, and become miserable forever. Wherefore, redemption cometh in and through the Holy Messiah; for he is full of grace and truth.Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered. Wherefore, how great the importance to make these things known unto the inhabitants of the earth, that they may know that there is no flesh that can dwell in the presence of God, save it be through the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah, who layeth down his life according to the flesh, and taketh it again by the power of the Spirit, that he may bring to pass the resurrection of the dead, being the first that should rise. Wherefore, he is the firstfruits unto God, inasmuch as he shall make intersession for all the children of men; and they that believe in him shall be saved."

Now if we read further we learn how a choice can only be made when 2 or more options are available. " I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon. And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.Wherefore, the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other." Don’t think that when you die it will all become clear and you will know better to do better. Instead think on these words by James. "Thou believest that there is one God; thou doest well: the devils also believe, and tremble." and also Alma "And now, my brethren, I would that, after ye have received so many witnesses, seeing that the holy scriptures testify of these things, ye come forth and bring fruit unto repentance. Yea, I would that ye would come forth and harden not your hearts any longer; for behold, now is the time and the day of your salvation; and therefore, if ye will repent and harden not your hearts, immediately shall the great plan of redemption be brought about unto you. For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors. And now, as I said unto you before, as ye have had so many witnesses, therefore, I beseech of you that ye do not procrastinate the day of your repentance until the end; for after this day of life, which is given us to prepare for eternity, behold, if we do not improve our time while in this life, then cometh the night of darkness wherein there can be no labor performed. Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world. For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked." Or in other words you have taken each and every step down whichever path you've chosen to walk, no one has ever tripped and fallen neither into heaven nor into hell. "The more sure word of prophecy means a man’s knowing that he is sealed up unto eternal life, by revelation and the spirit of prophecy, through the power of the Holy Priesthood. It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance."

We know that Michael or ‘Adam’ was taught all things in the garden that he might understand and know who he was and who God is. And after Adam and Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of Good and Evil they were taught even more as now they could grasp the concepts of pain and death and toil. “Adam fell that men might be; and men are that they might have Joy. And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given. Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself. And now, my sons, I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit;”

“Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come. There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated. And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.” So it is through our use of Initiative/Agency that we are able to progress and develop untill we are able to stand firmly in the presence of Perfection Namely the Gods. “Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God. And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God, through the shedding of the blood of Christ, which is in the covenant of the Father unto the remission of your sins, that ye become holy, without spot.”

So it is in my experience that we choose happiness on the one hand or misery on the other. We attain unto happiness when we initiate love and service. Whereas in our reactions we find negatives such as Envy, Resentment, Anger and Hate. I believe that God does not react to anything rather He Interacts. He knows the End from the Beginning and is far more concerned with how we choose to ‘deal’ with and grow from what occurs in our lives than He is that it happened. In this Life others can use their Agency/Initiative to elicit much grief and pain even death. Even the choice to sit Idly by and watch as infringements happen brings with it responsibilities and consequences. I have chosen recently to LIVE, LOVE AND SPEAK in the Present, nothing I Honestly Feel or Say to another can anything but clarify and improve my relationship with them. Also it is important to realize that there are only ever two people involved in any and all relationships. Otherwise it is a group, a crowd, a republic or very insincere. And Kicking out everyone else who meddles is the only way to truly connect to, Trust, and Honor another or be understood.

My goal is to be Known as I am Known. When Moses asked “And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM: and he said, Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Israel, I AM hath sent me unto you” complete self-awareness. As in philosophy “I think therefore I am” helps to make sense of this principle at around 4 years of age I can remember thinking ‘these thoughts are my own I own this body and mind I’m the only me now and ever.’ How important it is to progress the current me, for the future ME’s benefit. Each step is leading down a path and every path will came to its natural conclusion or fulfillment, but think on this there are only ever 2 endings #1, failure #2, completion. Or in other words Damnation or Progression.

Eternity it is within us, it surrounds us and stretches on before us, yet we have come from All Eternity to All Eternity, so to be Free truly Free must needs be in harmony with and obedient to TRUTH! By saying no to ones self we strive for the ‘Mastery’ bridling all our passions and channeling them in righteous and productive ways. “And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ;” As the Sons and Daughters of Deity we can inherit all and nothing could deny us the power of our Integrity, for we would BE! And when known as you are Known, the Elements obey you. Herein lies True ‘Power’ of character Integrity/Truth/Unchangeableness/Perfection!

We have such an example in Christ Jesus who taught us “That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” When we learn to turn the other cheek not out of fear but love ceasing to react and choosing Love not pity, forgiveness not resentment, service not possession and to cherish life by Living and ceasing to merely exist. We are Eternal in our Beings our souls. And we will truly always ‘BE’ ‘HOW’ is the choice of all choices the war in Heaven, the wars of all this Earth all center around this one question “To Be or not TO BE” and “that is the question.” Did Shakespeare misspeak in this? I think not, this is about Who and How. Love is the True Key that unlocks the mysteries of the Universe. Though Charity is the Pure Love of Christ. To be charitable as redefined by me is thus ‘time/patience/forgiveness/new beginnings’ and when we love others by allowing them the time it takes to Repent ‘change, forgiving the offence, having patience whilst they strive to repent and assisting them in their clean/fresh/new start by forgetting the past in like manner of Christ’s Atonement. He promises to wash us in his blood to cleanse our souls that we might be born again as we are resurrected into clean and perfect flesh, so are we to be clean in thought and deed a new Man or Woman in Christ. “And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

“Yea, and as often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me. And ye shall also forgive one another your trespasses; for verily I say unto you, he that forgiveth not his neighbor’s trespasses when he says that he repents, the same hath brought himself under condemnation.” It is because we have emotional cancer that only harms us from within and prevents us from having a true perspective, if we can learn to let go, to not react we will remain free.

My mind has been troubled in times past and present with confusions and doubts. I am striving to gain in knowledge and understanding as well in confidence and strength,. It seems the more I learn and know, the greater the gulf between comprehension and me. I am so very blessed- I am healthy, I never go without, I am well dressed, I am learning what it’s like to have true friends and to be a true friend, to Love unconditionally, to have faith in the future and to live in the present ‘now’; to enjoy who I am with when I am with them. To Be myself to Grow into perfection one experience at a time. Being a father has changed me more than any thing else ever has or could. My heart is so tender and full of adoring Love. My daughter has owned me from the day she was born. And though we are seperated by time and distance nothing diminishes my devotion of emotions towards her. The pain is real the sorrow true but my hope is bright my determination resolute. I am her father all day everyday as is our own Father in Heaven, I know His Love is Perfect as is his understanding. “The heavens, they are many, and they cannot be numbered unto man, but they are numbered unto me, for they are mine. And as one earth shall pass away, and the heavens thereof even so shall another come; and there is no end to my works, neither to my words. For behold this is my work and my glory-- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”

I am my own person and can only succeed or fail by my own volition. The Plan is Perfect though I am not and as I Live, Love and Learn over time, My Eternity takes shape, solidifying into character how I exist for that is an absolute in the expanse of Eternity is an infinite amount of choices ‘possibilities’ when Order exists Joy is possible. Light provides a depth a ‘perspective’ for there is nothing at all tangible about darkness; it is merely an absence of light or truth. “And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;” A fact, consistency, proven, tried and tested. As we are now here to be refined, progressed and perfected. Our ability to have harmony and equity is requisite to Godhood.

We have in life one very important thing to do that is paramount to all others; else humanity could not exist. We must find Love, Honor and Trust in a member of the opposite sex. This is an absolute. Sexual deviance cannot and will never progress any individual or society. We awaken to the necessity of mortality and the continuance of life being dependent upon obeying Gods first commandment regarding the Family, that is, to Multiply and replenish the Earth. Our survival depends on it; our progress relies upon it.

So how are we to make this the most important of all decisions? We start by knowing ourselves and having intellectual honesty, then recognizing these 6 fundamental chemistries. #1 is attraction (now these all need reciprocation so it cannot be a one sided feeling) #2 is an intellectual one #3 is an Emotional maturity #4 is a Spiritual connection and #5 is of course recreational and finally #6 is timing both the time to get to know one another as the ‘timing’ of when you do so. We should not go on a first come first Love basis, we need to pursue understanding and connectivity. Many are the combinations that can unlock the Heart, but few are there that can hold it now and forever.

The constant progression of ones self and ones society inevitably makes you more attractive, successful and capable. Ones first priority is to become who you are and be at peace within yourself. And as you grow you will find greater connections and improved experiences. With growth comes pain and the only bad pain is the one that can kill you Spiritually. “It thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea; if thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword, thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thy offspring…. and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; and if thou should be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee, if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?”

When you use your initiative/Agency to affect your surroundings and change your perspective concerning your circumstances, the freedom to choose each moment of Eternity brings meaning and purpose. This in turn creates perspective and enables progression, leading inevitably to True Joy and Peace, the solace of Atonement, the beauty of Unity, a Reality, a Perfect Individual. I Love my Heavenly Father, His Plan, His perspective and I Love you, together we will find Joys that are beyond our ability to comprehend along with our Loved ones in His Eternal Courts above. Through our Savior Jesus Christ Amen!



Matty White