Independence vs Autonomy

I Was talking to my good friend Mitch during one of our 2 am gym and hot tub nights, and the subject of Independence, co-dependence, Interdependence and Autonomy came up. So after that greatly frustrating conversation, I decided I needed to Blog about my thoughts on the latter subject. I do now recognize that emotional Autonomy is very good and healthy if it means you aren't a chameleon and adjust to those around you rather it's an owning of your own feelings and choosing them.

Now first off, I am very attracted to the Independent woman, but having made this declaration I also want to make perfectly clear that I do not want to date the "Autonomous Island woman" who won't allow you to be there for her and doesn't want to feel as though she has to be there for you. I must say here that I am a giver and a man of service, so to me, it is not a simple thing to receive the gifts or the service others might wish for me to have from them, but I have learned that it is as great a kindness to receive an other's gifts as it is to give to them. Reciprocation is a compounding circular path of growth and that means, give and receive, not give and take!

So the question in our mid singles scene is; (Guys) "how do we close the sale? or commit to the Eternal relationship?" (Ladies)
I believe a lot in the principal of faith, and have found it is always over a long stretch of time that clarity comes to the events of our lives. I myself struggle to ignore the vibes that say "something is off" yet nothing has, as yet, been vocalized. So do I address the issue of not knowing quit what's up? Or do I need to wait until she has broached her topic? Or do I say nothing and wait, because until it's an issue it's not an issue? Or do I try to open windows and doors thru love, service and kind words, so that she can feel secure in knowing I truly am there for her?

I have personally chosen to do the latter and in all cases past it has proved to be the end of the relationship, yet I was not wanting it to end, rather I was striving to create a place of safety and acceptance. I can't fight for something when it's not expressed, I cannot read minds or anticipate most things, I may tune into a vibe here and there but the only true way to have a great relationship is thru trust and open honest dialog. Hence my struggle with the autonomous person, who will always struggle to share or rely upon another, thereby sabotaging the relationship, because they can't let go of the control and independence, or in other words their Autonomy!

And now after having spent more of their life as a single/independent adult winning over life's vicissitudes and achieving some semblance of balance and security. the Idea of adding a significant other to their status quo and "upsetting their apple cart" by integrating another, can cause a great deal of anxiety and stress, that is once the fun times have run there course and the realization that it is a one way train track heading to marriage, the second guessing and panic set in. Some might worry that they still haven't dated enough different people to make a good decision others might; like a very smart and beautiful friend of mine say, "I know what it's not" but not recognize what it "is" when its right there in your face, like the glasses you can't seem to find because you are looking thru them and not at them.

So why then do we get on the relationship train in the first place? I believe it is because we find fulfillment and joy in the company of others and Love is the key to life's everything. Gods first and greatest commandment to Adam and Eve was to cleave unto each other and to multiply and care for the earth. Otherwise there is no life, no children, no future.

I have had a crash course thru my first young marriage on how to not only live with someone but to love them even when in disagreement or frustration with them, this I believe has given me an advantage over fear and insecurity. Knowing as I do that over time all things will become right again and that the Saviors Atonement truly does heal and fix us all from the inside out.

So it is great to be Independent but even the Son of God is not Autonomous from the Father and if we are to be like Him we need to not only have faith in and reliance upon Him but must also endeavor to likewise love, cherish, trust and rely upon another whom we are Eternally wedded and sealed.



On the flip side no one wants a clingy, needy, foolish partner who feels more like a dependent than an help meet. So how do we come across as the Independent yet committed to you person who can have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I would offer that it is by trusting first, giving first, saying first and not expecting anything in return, that we are then able to start building the foundations of a great relationship. It does not matter how an other feels about you until you have decided how you feel about them. For one to wait until it is safe and they have the so called "power of the situation", having received either the declaration of love or the acts of service to be willing to then give is short sighted, selfish and foolish! Yet no one wants to feel as though it is not earned and thereby valued. So how do we relate that to the other person? how does our life match up with our words and desires? how do 2 become "at one" and at peace and harmony?

How do you think this is done?

Although you saw of me yesterday
I am not the same this day
though we may words have exchanged
but still I must change progressing beyond
the man whom I have become

but that's not where I begin, but instead
by describing myself as I am from within

look see into my eyes
for there in them lies
the soul of a man
whose conviction defies
any deceit and all off the lies

I am a man

but all too soon temptations set in
desire is turned upside down
causing convictions to crumble,
turning to dust,
allowing visions to cloud
and intentions to rust

but in me one always can find
someone to trust and therein confide
I never will stop and never let slide
when there's a choice to be made yes once I decide
you shall have nothing to fear nor reason to hide,
for anything that is of importance to you
is to me of the utmost significance too!

You and I

You have perceived my discomforts
dissuading my inhibitions
with the sweetest commissions

do you yet understand my darling
the effects of your presence
the magic in your eyes
the fire in your lips
the electric shock of your finger tips?

and how with the simple touch of your smile
the pains of this world flee into the farthest exile
its hard for me to be so far away
when the mere thought of you
makes me feel this way

where are the answers that I so diligently seek ?
where are the words to make me feel complete ?
I love you, I Love you, just let me hear them
I love You, I Love You! we all need to hear
this simple phrase that comes form the heart
I love you, I Love You, is only a start.

Convenient and Available?

Convenient and Available? Are you thus engaging others as and when they are convenient and available to you?

I have often found myself struggling to not take for granted the friendships that I have been fostering, as well as the relationships I have with family members and work colleagues. I find dating to fall under a strange form of, is it convenient? and am I willing to be put out to become available? you know, where do I make my investments? or what's in it for me?

I don't want to be the type of person who has interpersonal experiences out of personal gain, I feel that in order to be a true disciple of Christ, I do need to be "no respecter of persons." I want to be in the moment and genuine in my expressions and clear of conscience with whatever I may be engaged in.

I think that often I have allowed friendships and great interactions to "fall by the way side" because I was more concerned about what an-others perception of actual events and reality might dictate (or "prove") about me and the kind of person I was, not realizing then as I do now, that it is by my not caring more about perception than I do about my own intentions and the reality I create in any given situation that defines my character, doing good or doing right regardless of the cost is how one becomes like unto Christ and worthy of his kingdom.

I often find that the people I know, 'trust' that I will be there for them whenever and however the need arises they call on me even if its been several months since we last spoke. I am grateful that I have been consistent in building that trust and thereby making it possible to serve as the occasion's demand.

I know I have also treated my HEAVENLY FATHER AS CONVENIENT AND AVAILABLE most of my life when it's convenient for me I make my heart, my mind and my time available to Him and his Spirit. I am not proud of this selfishness I have been taking for granted His forgiving and patient nature using my knowledge of His love and desires for my success as an excuse to disregard Him to ignore the promptings and to commit sin, when I have created enough distance so as not to feel under scrutiny or judgement by Him. I just read last night in Ether how the chastised the brother of Jared for 3 hours (I'm sure He didn't repeat Himself much either)on the great SIN of not calling on the Lord.

Repentance is my only recourse, I must change my fundamental self, alter my priorities and truly engage the Father of all Creation, else how am I to become like him "for the servant knows not the Master whom he has never served". I love LIFE and LIVING, my ability to be independent in the sphere in which God has placed me (D&C 93) I am unique without and within, as are you and I need to be no respecter of persons and to truly give to YOU the respect YOU deserve.

I want to give to you the attention I want to receive I desire to appreciate you for just being you and I wish to serve you for the Glory of God and his infinite purpose of Eternal Happiness and Joy. I WILL LOVE YOU as CHRIST LOVES YOU and I will not take you for granted anymore!

Happy living

Beautiful daughter,

I have been doing lots of soul searching as of late, in the which I have found patience and forgiveness towards others, as actually being more beneficial to myself than to the recipient. I am sure that even though I may have been in the right and could have become exacting and demanding of what was mine by rights, I instead choose a course of action that I would like to be the recipient of, and after a considerable length of time I have been rewarded for my willingness to ride out the storms.
I have learned that the problems in the world stem from these two things and though related they need to be addressed separately. First in the scourges of humanity is the delinquency of fathers raising their children and: Second is divorce. And from these two social avoidances of responsibility comes all the foolish and destructive personalities with which we encounter on a daily basis.
I was left in divorce by your mother, and due to the circumstances and best hopes for both of our futures, I was impressed upon by the need to return to America to rebuild my life, I gave all that I could to help you and your mother financially and emotionally, I made sacrifices and phone calls everyday to be a part of your life, in-spite of the miles and costs involved. You have a wonderful mother who loves you every bit as much as I do, and we both want for you to be happy, healthy and full of confidence in who you are and the woman you can choose to be.
I am not a perfect man far from it, I am not saying that I have all the answers or even know the important questions to ask, But these few things I do know, Love, Trust, Faith and Patience are the keys to living, to enjoying and to progressing through the vicissitudes of life. Feeling sorry for ones self never built anything or solved any problems, God has Provided us all that we need or could ever use, But it is within us that the true strength and purpose is to be found.
Know your surroundings, know what’s what, but know thyself and “to thine own self be true.” Peace is not having fear, anger or resentment towards others. Rather it is Faith that your desires and actions are pure and will achieve the desired results to the which you have chosen. Being kind is always better than any other option, stand up for yourself, for truth and for what’s right, do not allow others to dictate what you will be involved in, Respect comes from Principals being lived not from compromises being reached. Over my life I have failed myself with ignorance and pride. At no point is it ever a good idea to sit by and allow your freedoms and your future to be decided by anyone and I mean anyone....
I have hope in you, I love and support you, just being you. I know that there are things in the world that can distract and hurt you, but ultimately you are the one and only decider for you. I have chosen to follow truth and in Christ is found all truth all hope, my faith is in the Atonement, in the plans and purposes of the Lord. I freely choose this and by so doing I am Christ’s, he has already chosen me and only by my choosing Him, am I truly His! A door can only be opened from the side that is locked, when we are baptized we unlock the door, but it is still through our efforts that we are able to enter in, worthiness comes from Christ, he provides that, we bring our desires and actions or initiative into the equation, but we must endeavor to achieve the same harmonious living that He enjoys in order to access the Atonement, which then cleanses us from all stain and degradation.
I have been writing this for over a week and right now you are laid beside me asleep and I am reflecting on our first airplane ride over here when I just started to cry and you asked me what was the matter. and my response was that I had missed you so much and was so happy to hold you in my arms and love you that I couldn’t help but to weep at how much I loved you.... (This is a mild comparison I am sure to the reunion we have chance to be a part of with our heavenly Parents and Jesus.) and the hugs and kisses you gave me and I you were to me most precious and pure. Eve God Lives and loves you as do I and WE want for your Eternal happiness and growth. Be the best you that there is, Love, laugh and live each day, each moment is yours to do with as you please. know what it truly means to be in the present!




Forever yours,

Daddy

Great Expectations

So here it is, this is what I expect from you.....
I have my view, you have yours, we seldom see things in the same way, yet we can get along pretty much as is expected..... being reasonably well, that is up until one of us acts out of either our character or another's expectation.

I want to be understood, as much as I want to be correct. When I place an expectation on you, I am setting you up for failure, and myself for disappointment. You are most likely to act within your own character and schema, as also am I. When we attempt to be in an equal relationship with another individual, now there are certainly social norms and mores with which we acquiesce, all of us have certain needs and certain wants that need to be met in order to have stability and growth. On the other hand we can place undue pressure and foolish expectations on others to shape them into what we want for them and not what they choose to be for themselves.

I want to be clear but not definitive with this subject because by its very nature it is a perspective rather than a matter of immoveable fact. All have a desire to be wanted, needed and accepted. We cannot live in solitude nor promote industry or growth without the unification of effort and skill brought voluntarily into society. Slavery isn't so much forced labor as it is oppression of choice and growth, where we, the individual want it. fairness is difficult where selfishness is the norm, but forcing substance from one to provide for another is the greatest form of idiocy yet invented, Initiative and desire come from reward, now protection from oppression and low wages is preferred by all but we cannot expect anyone to act outside their nature, true there is always an ability to improve, to put forth effort and to change, but that must and always will come from within.

Harmony is possible and most desirable with those whom we respect, with whom we honor and with whom we love unconditionally. It is very important to give with out the requirement of reciprocation, true some will abuse and seek to take advantage, but always there is the choice as to wether or not you facilitate their parasitic ways. No is one of Gods greatest kindnesses, immediate gratification brings with it little appreciation or respect, I like to be challenged, I enjoy learning and aligning myself with the truth, for easy come is certainly easy go.

Save yourself for the one you will cherish for all Eternity do not trade for gold nor for momentary pleasures the depth and purity of virginal love, experience is best gained in the acts of marriage in the exchange of ones self, body and soul.
"to thine own self be true" for the greatest struggle are won and lost in the blink of an eye, in the beat of a heart, in the moments between the moments, we live.

A simple enough concept, living, yet so few do, "men are that they might have joy", be fruitful and multiply for "the world has enough and to spare"........

The beginning is the end, the end is the beginning...

We must undertake the purpose of 'being' as an individual, as a family, as a society, as 'one'. In the mortal world we have birth and death, a cycle of life so to speak and as we move through each sunrise and sunset we are faced with emotions; love, regret, pride, serenity, hurt, resentment, forgiveness, lust, anger and so many, many more! Feeling is as much a part of living as cognizance is. We have the power to relive the past thru memory a wonder so awesome as to confuse the mind and hurt the heart as well as bring clarity and peace. Who am I? What legacy do I leave behind? Do I matter? What is my worth? Questions of validity and purpose..... I know that I am me, my actions are truth, my thought a perspective of reality ever craving the elusive Omniscience of Godhood. So the real test is not so much Obedience but faithfulness in the pursuit of perfection. A commandment is a warning A kindness, it is not for control of the spirit, rather a stretching of the soul as we recognize the purpose behind the advise and become a person who has no disposition for the sin. God cannot sin because he has no inclination to so do, yet he is not kept from sin by an outside source, he is rather good for the sake of being good. meaning he could sin if he chose to but why would he choose to? When sin merely brings with it negative and hurtful consequences.