I am a Latter Day Saint

I'm a Mormon.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Independence vs Autonomy

I Was talking to my good friend Mitch during one of our 2 am gym and hot tub nights, and the subject of Independence, co-dependence, Interdependence and Autonomy came up. So after that greatly frustrating conversation, I decided I needed to Blog about my thoughts on the latter subject. I do now recognize that emotional Autonomy is very good and healthy if it means you aren't a chameleon and adjust to those around you rather it's an owning of your own feelings and choosing them.

Now first off, I am very attracted to the Independent woman, but having made this declaration I also want to make perfectly clear that I do not want to date the "Autonomous Island woman" who won't allow you to be there for her and doesn't want to feel as though she has to be there for you. I must say here that I am a giver and a man of service, so to me, it is not a simple thing to receive the gifts or the service others might wish for me to have from them, but I have learned that it is as great a kindness to receive an other's gifts as it is to give to them. Reciprocation is a compounding circular path of growth and that means, give and receive, not give and take!

So the question in our mid singles scene is; (Guys) "how do we close the sale? or commit to the Eternal relationship?" (Ladies)
I believe a lot in the principal of faith, and have found it is always over a long stretch of time that clarity comes to the events of our lives. I myself struggle to ignore the vibes that say "something is off" yet nothing has, as yet, been vocalized. So do I address the issue of not knowing quit what's up? Or do I need to wait until she has broached her topic? Or do I say nothing and wait, because until it's an issue it's not an issue? Or do I try to open windows and doors thru love, service and kind words, so that she can feel secure in knowing I truly am there for her?

I have personally chosen to do the latter and in all cases past it has proved to be the end of the relationship, yet I was not wanting it to end, rather I was striving to create a place of safety and acceptance. I can't fight for something when it's not expressed, I cannot read minds or anticipate most things, I may tune into a vibe here and there but the only true way to have a great relationship is thru trust and open honest dialog. Hence my struggle with the autonomous person, who will always struggle to share or rely upon another, thereby sabotaging the relationship, because they can't let go of the control and independence, or in other words their Autonomy!

And now after having spent more of their life as a single/independent adult winning over life's vicissitudes and achieving some semblance of balance and security. the Idea of adding a significant other to their status quo and "upsetting their apple cart" by integrating another, can cause a great deal of anxiety and stress, that is once the fun times have run there course and the realization that it is a one way train track heading to marriage, the second guessing and panic set in. Some might worry that they still haven't dated enough different people to make a good decision others might; like a very smart and beautiful friend of mine say, "I know what it's not" but not recognize what it "is" when its right there in your face, like the glasses you can't seem to find because you are looking thru them and not at them.

So why then do we get on the relationship train in the first place? I believe it is because we find fulfillment and joy in the company of others and Love is the key to life's everything. Gods first and greatest commandment to Adam and Eve was to cleave unto each other and to multiply and care for the earth. Otherwise there is no life, no children, no future.

I have had a crash course thru my first young marriage on how to not only live with someone but to love them even when in disagreement or frustration with them, this I believe has given me an advantage over fear and insecurity. Knowing as I do that over time all things will become right again and that the Saviors Atonement truly does heal and fix us all from the inside out.

So it is great to be Independent but even the Son of God is not Autonomous from the Father and if we are to be like Him we need to not only have faith in and reliance upon Him but must also endeavor to likewise love, cherish, trust and rely upon another whom we are Eternally wedded and sealed.



On the flip side no one wants a clingy, needy, foolish partner who feels more like a dependent than an help meet. So how do we come across as the Independent yet committed to you person who can have a healthy and nurturing relationship? I would offer that it is by trusting first, giving first, saying first and not expecting anything in return, that we are then able to start building the foundations of a great relationship. It does not matter how an other feels about you until you have decided how you feel about them. For one to wait until it is safe and they have the so called "power of the situation", having received either the declaration of love or the acts of service to be willing to then give is short sighted, selfish and foolish! Yet no one wants to feel as though it is not earned and thereby valued. So how do we relate that to the other person? how does our life match up with our words and desires? how do 2 become "at one" and at peace and harmony?

How do you think this is done?